


Cloud Minus Nine

by Lewkash



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mental Hospital, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 01:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13559658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lewkash/pseuds/Lewkash
Summary: Felix and Changbin found out about hidden feelings at a young age, right before Felix moved far away.They later reunite at a mental hospital, but does this stop the voice in Changbins head from making him do things he doesn't want to?





	1. Don't Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix and Changbin discover hidden feelings, right before Felix moves far away.

Best friends. Changbin actually had a friend. He had never had a real friend before. That was until this foreigner, a boy around his age moved in to his neighborhood. His name was Felix, he was apparently Australian. Changbin didn’t understand anything when he was talking to his mom. They only spoke in English, Changbin didn’t know any English yet. Felix wasn’t very good at Korean either, so communicating was a bit hard. Felix and Changbin somehow managed to understand what the other meant anyway. They got super close and bonded mostly over their love for music, more specific, rap.  
They didn’t talk much at the start, until their teacher paired them up. The school had apparently picked up on the fact that Changbin was the only one who understood Felix, and that Felix was the only one Changbin even wanted to talk to at all.

That was a few years ago, when they were thirteen. They’re both now fifteen. It’s still only them. No other friends. It was them or none. No one else could be a part of or even understand their chemistry.  
Felix had told Changbin earlier today that he was going to move away. Far away. It broke them both, they were each other’s only friends but they couldn’t do anything. Back to a life of loneliness. They don’t even remember how to function alone. They were glued to each other, basically inseparable. Maybe the teacher pairing them wasn’t such a bad thing after all. A day. One day is what they had left, instead of spending it together they spent it alone. To save themselves from the pain of separation.

Felix couldn’t bare it, he had to see Changbin one last time. It was midnight, it was past his curfew. He snuck out of his window and ran across the park behind his house, over the road and around the corner to get to Changbin’s house. Felix has obviously done this many times before, but it felt strange this time. This would be the last time. Ever. He knocked on Changbin’s window as his room was on ground level. He got no response. Felix noticed that his window was slightly open so he grabbed the handle from underneath and pulled it towards him, opening the window wider so he could climb in. He heard Changbin scrambling around, surprised by the sudden intruder.  
Felix jumped through the window and landed in front of Changbin. He was speechless because for the first time ever, he sees Changbin crying. Changbin froze in front of Felix. Blood was running down his hand, razor in the other. Felix didn’t understand. Why wasn’t Changbin freaking out over bleeding? Why are there so many cuts on his wrist? “What, what happened to your hand?” asks Felix, voice shaking from worry. “I did it myself.” Changbin manages to say, choking through the tears. Shocked, Felix moves closer. “Why? Why and how can you do that?”

Felix would truly understand later.

“Because it helps with the voices, with the pain. The pain in my wrist distracts me from the pain I feel on the inside. You’re leaving me and there is nothing I can do. I don’t want you to leave. Please don’t leave me.”  
Felix carefully lifted Changbins uncut arm, took the razor out of his hand and put it on the night stand behind him. He dragged Changbin to the bathroom connected to his room, he made Changbin sit on the toilet. Felix rummaged around but eventually found a First Aid kit. Felix didn’t know much, but he knew how to clean open wounds. He wet a cotton ball with the rubbing alcohol and swiped it over Changbins wrist without warning. Changbin flinched and grabbed onto Felix, digging his nails into his shoulder. Felix carefully wrapped bandages around his arm and they returned to Changbins room. “Don’t ever do that, ok? I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I may be far away, but we’re still friends. You’re still my number one. We will forever be that, ok? We will never forget each other.”

What Felix didn’t know, is that one day Changbin would forget.

Changbin nodded. “We can video chat every day! We can text all the time and everything, just like we have been doing.We can try to meet as often as possible, or once a month!” Felix eagerly shared his plans and hopes for what it’ll be when he moves away. “Yes! And we can play online games together!” Changbin beamed. It reassured Felix to see him brighten up. They made all these plans, forgetting the existence of time zones for a moment. For a moment they could act like normal children, they could play around without a care in the world. Blissfully unaware of the emotional trauma and distress that awaits them in the future.

Except normal thirteen year olds don’t sneak out after midnight or cut themselves do they?

They just stood there, across from each other. In silence, not awkward but not comfortable either. Moonlight from outside being the only source of light in the room. Felix took a step closer, looked into the other’s eyes. He was searching for something, discomfort maybe? He saw none. “You know, Binnie-“ Felix paused, taking a deep breath. “I’ve wanted to do this for a long time, but I was and am, obviously unsure about what you think of this. So I’m doing it now, before I leave. Why? I don’t even know to be honest.”  
Changbin grew nervous. He didn’t know what Felix was talking about but apparently he was going to find out. “What are you ta-“ Changbin couldn’t finish his sentence. He was rudely cut off, but he didn’t mind at all. Changbin shut his eyes but didn’t really catch on what was happening. Felix quickly leaned in and planted a kiss on Changbin lips, it lasted shorter than Changbin had expected. Changbin stared at Felix when he opened his eyes. His cheeks heating up into an intense blush. Felix was smiling, causing Changbin to smile as well.  
Felix cupped Changbin’s cheek with his left hand. “Now I regret doing that because I’m going to miss you even more.” Felix’s smile faded. His eyes started watering. “Don’t cry ,Felix. If you cry, I`ll start crying too.” Changbin chuckled. Felix snorted a short laugh and hugged Changbin. Changbin melted. He snaked his arms around Felix’s waist and brought him as close as possible. Never wanting to let go. Felix nestled his head in Changbin’s neck. “We’re- I’m going to miss you so damn much too, Felix. Why does it hurt so much when you haven’t even left yet?”

“We’re?”


	2. A Void from the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan finds out about Felix's past and his coping mechanism.

Numb. Alone. Miserable. Felix was far from okay. It's been about two years since he left Changbin in his room that day. Felix had told himself he would be okay, but he's not. he misses him so much it hurts. It hurts so bad both mentally and physically. It hurts so much inside, that he feels heavy. His heart is heavy, making it hard to breathe from time to time. Especially when he’s alone, that’s when everything is at its worst. He doesn't dare show it to anyone though, afraid of what people will think of this side of him. Everyone knows him as the cheery, funny one. They are going to abandon and make fun of him if they were to find out his true feelings. He could feel it in his gut. People may love him for his humor, but sometimes it gets too dark for the normal person. Felix brushes it off by saying he went too far himself. 

It was Friday tomorrow. Felix’s gang of friends always hangs out at Chan’s mancave on Fridays. Felix forced himself to go. He hit a new low recently but as always he must hide himself. He doesn't know how many times he had wanted to break down and tell his friends his true feelings. Felix didn't say anything though, because that would mean he'd have to let them inside his walls. The only person that he had ever let know him that well was Changbin, so he can't let them in. His walls can't crumble. His shell can’t crack.   
Changbin and Felix said they would talk. They promised to chat as they always did, to meet at least once a month and to still be each other number one.   
Nothing. No message. No call. Not a sound was heard from either of them. Felix had wanted to contact Changbin but he was scared that Changbin had changed his mind, since he hadn't tried to contact him either. It hurt. Truthfully speaking it hurt and scared him. Felix treasured Changbin highly. Did he not feel the same? Was it all an act? Was his smile back then, just as fake as the ones Felix flashes every day? 

Felix went to the bathroom. He grabbed a razor and stared at it. Tears formed in his eyes, slightly blurring his vision but he still stared. “If it helped Changbin, it should help me too, right?” He sliced the razor quickly across his arm. He winced at the quick pain. The feeling around the cut becoming more warm and welcoming instead of sharp and cold shortly after. The feeling was welcoming to Felix. He had never thought hurting himself would be good, as he cried at the slightest bit of pain he experienced. He cut more. Blood started to drip as he started to cut deeper, the pain distracting him from everything. His brain was blurring out his surroundings, only focusing on making more cuts appear on his arm. He didn't really feel the cut itself, just the slight burning afterwards 

Fuck. How is he going to cover this up tomorrow? He totally forgot. What if they notice? He froze. He dropped the razor and turned on the tap of the sink. He put his arm under the running water. This hurt even more than the cutting itself. He flinched at the pain and pulled his arm back. It doesn’t drip anymore so that’s a good thing.  
It was late, or early, rather. If he was going to be able to even wake up on time, he would have to fall sleep soon. The cuts had started to dry a little so he guessed it was safe to go to bed by now. He dragged his body across the floor and slumped down on his bed, not bothering to either make the bed or change his clothes. He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, totally forgetting to set an alarm. 

The repeating sound of a phone ringing in the distance is what woke Felix up. He stretched his arms but winced as he could feel cuts getting reopened. Shit, he forgot he had done that. He grabbed the phone only to see that Chan was calling. He coughed to sound more awake and answered. “HEY FAKE GINGER BITCH! Where is your aussie ass? The weekly mancave hangout started half an hour ago, bro. Where you at?” Chan eagerly beamed through the speaker.   
“Oh uh, I got distracted by Netflix. Sorry, dude. I’ll get my aussie ass over there as soon as possible.” Felix answered. The coughing had helped as Chan totally believed what he had been told. 

It was a small, five-minute walk over to Chans house from where Felix lived. He got up and got dressed. Not forgetting the long sleeves. He tested the sleeves a bit, checking if they would fall down, past the cuts if he stretched too far or hold his arm up for too long. Luckily, they stayed put. He sprayed on some cologne and made his hair presentable before he left his house. 

“The fake ginger has arrived!” Chan shouted as he opened the door. “Heeey! Grey grandpa!” “Oh god damnit.” Chan chuckled as he bro hugged Felix. Felix slightly winced since his arm was caught in the middle of the hug, but Chan didn’t notice anything. “Jisung and Minho are in the middle of an intense match of Air Hockey.” Chan explained as they went down the stairs in the house to the so called “Mancave” of his. Just as they arrived, the puck flew past his face and hit the brick wall behind them. “How the fuck do you even do that?” Felix grinned. “The power of the beret, my dude!” Minho answered as he tipped his new hat, proudly showing it off. “Nice one dude.”   
Felix sat down in one of the beanbags in front of the TV that was placed in a corner. “Wanna play a match or five?” Felix eagerly asked Hyunjin who was already sitting on the couch beside him. “Always.” Hyunjin grabbed the other controller and started a game of some basic first person shooter. Felix tried to focus but he was clearly distracted. He lost the fourth game. He usually wins at least three of them, today he lost all of them.  
Chan grew suspicious, something was off. The guys never talk about their personal lives so he didn’t know how to approach it. “Hey Felix, help me get some cups and stuff for drinks. I left them upstairs.” Chan pointed with his thumb upstairs and stood up. “Aight.” Felix agreed, not knowing what was up to. Felix followed Chan up the stairs and into the kitchen. Chan suddenly turned around with a serious look on his face.   
“Ok. We never talk about personal stud but something is off. You’re off. You’ve been weird all day.”   
“What do you mean? I come late once and feel a little slower than usual and you think something is wrong with me? Everyone has bad days, Chan.” Felix fiddled with the strings on his hoodie, visibly uncomfortable. 

“Just stop. Stop lying. We’ve all had bad days, but it has never been this visible. I don’t know if the others have noticed yet, but I notice everything. Now you tell me what is happening with you.” Chan grew a little angry. Strict in his voice, he wasn’t asking Felix if he could share his feelings, he was basically forcing him to. Felix stood still, not answering. Chan grabbed both of his hands. “Stop fiddling and answer me, damn it! You’re worrying me!” He sounded more worried now.   
“Okay, fine. You don’t know this yet, but I will tell you everything, ok? Don’t you dare tell the others.” Chan nodded in response, signaling Felix to go on.  
“Before I moved here, two years ago. I had this… this friend, so to speak. We grew really close, and the day before I moved here I kissed him. Short story shortened, we haven’t spoken or texted once since that day. It’s breaking me. I’m so worried about him. What if he’s dead? He’s not good mentally. What if he killed himself? Oh fuck!” Felix’s breathing grew heavier. He was a hyperventilating by the time he ended his sentence.

Chan grabbed onto Felix’s arms to calm him down. “OW!” Felix shouted. Fuck, now he’s done it. “What? I didn’t even grab you that hard…” Chan stated in a low voice. He watched as Felix rubbed his left arm. “Wait. Felix… Did you?... no. Please, tell me you didn’t.” Chans voice cracked.   
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It just hurts so much and I needed something to distract me from the pain. I'm so sorry, Chan"  
Felix broke down. Crying, just like he had been after leaving Changbin.   
“Ok that’s it. You’re not ok. Far from it. You need help and I’m going to get you that help. I’m sending you to a doctor. It’s because I care about you Felix, not because I hate you. It’s for the best.” Chans eyes were watering by now. He hugged his shorter friend tightly, it hurt him deeply seeing his friend struggle like this. Felix nodded in agreement.

A week later they were at the doctors appointment. Felix had begged Chan to join as he couldn’t do it by himself. He got a diagnosis of clinical depression. The doctor made it clear that it would be the best if he was sent to a mental facility.


	3. The Voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin does everything he can to please the voice in his head. He wants to call someone, but he can't remember who it even is.

Changbin’s mother got a call from the teacher regarding her son. The teacher wanted to talk to her about her son’s wellbeing. The teacher described him as antisocial, emotionless, lonely and not much of a talker. Well, he did talk but not to anyone else. It was hard for the teacher to talk to the boy’s mother about this. The teacher didn’t really know how to approach such a situation. The boy did good in school but she was worried about him.  
“Your son, does he have any friends?” The teacher asked her, unsure. Taken back the mother answers, “Wha- Yes, I suppose he has. He tells me about them from time to time.” “Does he ever mention any names?” The mother shifted her gaze from the teacher to the door. She was about to answer when Changbin walks in. He notices the teacher but doesn’t say anything. He stares for a little while before he walks up the stairs to his room. 

“You see, he never talks to anyone at school. He’s always alone, but he still talks. I think he talks to himself.” The teacher admitted. “People can have imaginary friends, can’t they?” The mother grew nervous. She knew her son wasn’t very social but she never imagined this.   
“Your son is 17. Children have imaginary friends. Teenagers, do not.”   
Meanwhile, the boy upstairs was panicking. He paced around his room. “What if they know?” 

They don’t know, Changbin. They probably just think you’re retarded for talking to yourself or something.

“I’m not retarded. Not my fault no one else can hear you.” 

Knock knock, reality check buddy. Last time I checked, so called normal people don’t need to speak out loud to answer someone who doesn’t exist. You don’t know what I am or why I’m here. We just know I appeared after your damned father disappeared.

~ 2 years earlier ~   
“Please don’t!” The mother stood in the doorway, watching as her drunken husband approached their helpless son. The furious man didn’t answer. The man was often angry when he was drunk even if he didn’t have a reason to be. “I’m used to it mother. I’ll be fine.” Changbin stood up, walking towards his father. He didn’t raise his hands in defense like he used to do, it never helped anyway.   
“You’re so useless Changbin.” A punch in the face. “You can never do anything right!” A punch in the gut. “You never help with anything at home.” Another one in the gut, harder. Changbin started to lose his balance. “Your grades are dropping!” His father growled as he punched his son again. “All you ever do is hang out with that foreigner. He was a bad influence. I’m glad he decided to fuck off. Why can’t you just be good?” The well-built father stood towering over his son. Changbin grimaced at the strong smell of alcohol.   
“Worthless!” The father yelled one last time before he did the finishing blow to his son. He punched Changbin in the head, making his body head straight for the floor. The boy laid still. The man barged out of his room, down the stairs and out the house.   
“Binnie!” A worried mother screamed. She bent down and laid her sons head in her lap. Shaking violently, she attempted to grab her phone. Only to have it fall on the floor. She grabbed it again and struggled to find the right keys. She pressed the green button as tears started to blur her vision.  
“911, what is your emergency?” 

~~   
The psychiatrist nodded as he scribbled in his notepad.   
I still hate that guy. Sitting there, looking like he knows what he’s doing. He says it’s to help us but we don’t even need help.  
We’re functioning just fine. Changbin fiddled with the loose fabric dangling off the end of the armrest. “Changbin, I’ve discussed with your mother. We agreed it would be best if we send you to a mental facility. We don’t know for how long yet. It can be of great help to you.” Changbin nodded. Not really paying attention to what the man said.  
What the fuck? Now you’ve fucked us over. You just agreed to put us in a mental hospital. That’s where the crazy people are, Binnie. We’re not crazy.   
“Wait, what did you just say?” Changbin said, coming back to his senses. “We’ll send you to a mental hospital.” Changbin’s mother who had joined him for his counselling, put a hand on his shoulder in hope of comforting him. “Oh.” Changbin sunk deeper into the chair.   
“We’re sorry that this is on such short notice for you Changbin, but you’re leaving in two days.”   
What? This bitch. It’s not like we had a choice in the first place. How fun. Real nice.  
Changbin felt uneasy. Something inside him was burning, it felt menacing. He didn’t bother to find out what it was, since he stopped caring about everything. He had no reason to feel anger, yet he could feel it consume him. 

~~~~

It was 4 in the morning. Changbin hadn’t bothered to try and sleep yet. He was sitting in the middle of his floor, legs crossed. His eyes were fixed on his phone screen, on a number he didn’t know why he had. A year has passed. It’s been a year since the first time he cut. A year since he last saw the guy form his memory. He doesn’t really remember who he is. All that he remembers is that he had meant something. He didn’t know what kind of relationship he had to him. He doesn’t remember who he was, but he’s constantly gnawing at the back of his brain. Whenever he thinks about him, he gets this suffocating feeling in his chest. Felix, that’s the name of the contact. The name is right there but it doesn’t ring any bells to Changbin.

You don’t even know who he is. Why do you obsess over his contact profile like it was the Satanic Bible? Forget it Binnie. Forget Felix. Forget him. 

“How can I forget someone I don’t even remember?”   
Changbin looked down on his arms. Cuts visible, but no one as fresh as he preferred. 

Hey, you see that? They’re all old. You should do something about it. Give your arm more colors. I know you like it when it bleeds. You know I like it when there are patterns. It calms us both. Fix it. Fix it now!

The voice became loud, angry. It scared Changbin so he didn’t dare do anything other than to obey it. He took out the razor from under his bed. He did a few small cuts, right beside the old ones. Following the same pattern. Something in him shifted. He dragged the razor violently across the patterns he just made. He created a new pattern over what he had previously done. 

Your other arm, it’s still clean. There’s no masterpiece on it. Do something about it. Make it pretty. Pretty. Pretty!

So that’s exactly what he did. He wrote the word. Line after line. Pretty. He even went over the same ones a few times, making sure they were perfect. “This may be our last time to do this, you know. I read up on mental hospitals, they’re super strict.” 

Idiot. I know that. I’m in your head, remember. What you read, I read too. We’ll find a way, there’s always a way. 

~The Day after~  
“A nurse will show you around and help you if you have any questions or if you need anything. He will also bring you your medication, twice a day.” Changbin nodded. “Lunch will be served in the cafeteria of your unit in half an hour. It is obligatory that you meet up to all the meals during the day.” The receptionist shifted her gaze from Changbin to the person who walked in from the left corridor. “Hello Chris. This is Changbin.” She introduced Changbin to the nurse. 

A male nurse? What a twink.

“Shut up.” Whispered Changbin before he put on a fake smile and greeted the nurse. “Hello. I`m Chris. I am your assigned nurse so I hope we can get along well.” He reached out his hand for Changbin to shake. “Changbin.” Answered Changbin, coldly. He ignored the nurse’s hand. “Okay. I will lead you to your room now.”   
The nurse started walking down the same corridor he came from, Changbin in tow.


	4. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin struggles to remember Felix when the boy with faded ginger hair walks in to the common room, but it's a bliss of happiness when he does. Even the voice is quiet.

It’s been a little over a month since Changbin checked in. Nothing has changed. If anything, things have gotten worse. The voice is louder, more aggressive and more violent than it ever used to be. If nothing changes it’ll make Changbin violent, he’s going to change. The voice is going to have more power over him than it already has. It’s not safe, it was never safe and being here sure as hell is not helping as much as that psychiatrist said it would.   
Changbin was sitting on his usual spot on the couch in the corner of the common room after the weekly group therapy session. He still hasn’t talked to anyone, no one has talked to him so why should he bother? Everyone else in this unit has at least one friend, or someone they talk to. Changbin does not. 

That face. A face Changbin didn’t really recognize, walked it. It had a familiar feeling but he just assumed the guy looked like someone he used to know. The guy had badly faded ginger hair and a face full of freckles. 

Do you recognize him, Binnie? 

“No.”

Are you sure? I know I do.

“Who is it?”'

I can’t tell you that. If you don’t know, you will have to figure it out yourself if you really want to.

The voice laughed, a scary, sinister laugh. It made Changbin visibly uncomfortable. A shiver went down his spine.   
The new boy still hung around his nurse. He was probably being shown around the unit and this was his last stop. His nurse told him to ‘get comfortable’ and then she left. The boy looked insecure, afraid even. He was just left there with no guidance. Maybe this was Changbin’s time to shine. 

The boy looked around, unsure. He spotted Changbin and his whole body lit up. He walked right towards him and now Changbin was the one who got uncomfortable. Why was the stranger so happy to see him? The boy sat down beside Changbin and beamed. “Changbin! It’s been so fucking long. I missed you so much!” The boy smiled the brightest and prettiest smile Changbin had ever seen. 

See? He recognizes you. Why don’t you remember him? Remember him, Binnie.

“I’m- I’m sorry, but who are you?” Changbin asked, stone faced. He was completely serious. He had no idea who this boy was.   
The happiness from the others face faded quickly. It looked like Changbin’s words broke him in to a million pieces. “What do you mean? Are you serious? Changbin, it’s me. Felix.”

Felix. 

The voice repeated. Changbin froze completely. His eyes running wild, staring at the other boy as the memories they shared together came flooding back. He couldn’t believe it. All these years, all this suffering and now he’s right there.   
Not that Felix could really catch up to what was happening either. The person that is the cause of Felix’s problem is right in front of him, and not only that but it seems that Changbin doesn’t remember him at all. 

Changbin forgot their surroundings and the rules for a second as he wrapped his arms around Felix and gave him the tightest hug he has ever given. Felix hesitated, but accepted his hug. He pressed his head against Changbin’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around him. They sat like that for what felt like forever but was in reality only 20 seconds.   
“Aye aye aye! No touching!” An angry guard hissed. The boys sighed and let go of each other.  
Felix stared into Changbins’s eyes as if he was searching for something. Something he has been searching for since the day they last saw each other. He did not know what it was himself, but it certainly couldn’t be found in a mental hospital.

Changbin just sat there and smiled. Feeling genuine happiness, a feeling he hasn’t felt since a particular kiss.   
“I’m really fucking happy to see you.” Changbin confessed after calming down for a few seconds. “Oh, you have no idea.” Felix shook his head. “Want to watch National Geographic?” Felix leaned back and looked up at the tiny TV in the corner of the common room. The only channel they ever played was National Geographic and the patients weren’t allowed to touch the remote either. Not that they could as it was stuck in one of the guards’ belts.   
Changbin sat fiddling with his fingers on his left hand as his right hand was chilling on his side, Felix’s left hand carefully resting on top of his. They were careful, if they got caught again, they would both be sent to the high security unit. Neither of them wanted that right now, or ever.

No one could describe the feelings the boys had at that moment. Their unbreakable, indescribable bond had returned. Stronger than ever, under the weirdest circumstances possible. It was all connected in a tangled, fucked up story. A truly, happy, rollercoaster of a mess. 

Felix shouldn’t feel as happy as he does for seeing Changbin. Changbin put him through so much suffering for so long and he shouldn’t just forget that. Changbin made him suffer so much he literally turned crazy. Yet, Felix loves him too much to be angry with him.   
“Ah, I see you’ve made friends with the new patient!” beams a nurse, clearly faking it. It was the nurse that checks the common room, to see how things were going or if anybody needed anything. “Actually, we knew each other from before.” Said Felix. Changbin stared at him. The nurse checked up on a dude in the corner before she left. 

“Why would you say that?” Changbin punched Felix in the shoulder. “Ow!” “Dude I barely touched you.” Changbin smirked at Felix for some reason. “Yeah, but it still hurt.” Felix pouted. Felix looked down for a quick second as he rubbed his arm where Changbin just hit. When he looked back up, Changbin was still smirking at him. Changbin stared in to Felix’s eyes. Felix chuckled, feeling a little uncomfortable. “What?” He smiled. “Oh, nothing.” Changbin mumbled, still staring him down. “Then why are you staring at me?”   
“Because I missed you like hell, and you are very good looking.” Changbin started to lean closer to Felix, teasingly slow. Felix could feel Changbin’s breath on his lips. 

“HELLOOO GUYS! GUYS! CUT THAT HOMO SHIT. YOU KNOW THE RULES!” It was that damned guard again. “Hey, we ain’t touching.” Changbin smirked at the guard and put his hands over his head as he leaned back. “Yeah, sure.” the guard scoffed, not believing him. 

Changbin has completely forgot that he was in this mental facility for a reason. The voice had gone quiet when Felix returned.  
The guard turned around to talk to the guard on the other side of the door. Changbin took this as an opportunity. He quickly turned around and cupped Felix’s cheeks in one movement. He smashed his lips against the others. Felix was so caught off guard by the kiss that he fell down. The armrest was the only thing supporting his body while Changbin was on top of him. Felix forgot the risk of being sent to high security, he didn’t care. He wrapped his arms around Changbin’s neck and pulled him closer.  
The boys had missed each other’s lips so bad. The sweet feeling that they had only experienced for a short second the last time, yet it had left such significant impact on both of their lives.


	5. It wasn't me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The voice returns only to do one last thing to put Changbin in everlasting pain.

Miss me?

No, this can’t be real. Not now. 

Changbin sat up in bed, sweating and shaking like crazy. He thought he was shaking because he had a nightmare, he quickly realized it was because that thing had returned. Changbin has never felt it this strongly before. It was angry, and not out to tease him this time. The voice was back and it wanted something or someone.   
“NO! GO AWAY! I’M HAPPY NOW! I’M OKAY! WHY ARE YOU HERE? LEAVE ME ALONE!” Changbin started screaming. He knew this put him at risk to go to the high security unit but he couldn’t help himself. He had to do something to block it out.   
Then Changbin remembered, the last time the voice was so violent, he had done something and it calmed down. Changbin hurried out of bed, almost faceplanting in the process. He sprinted to the bathroom and rummaged through the cabinets for the sharpest object he could find.   
He found a razor with the blades stuck inside, but he was desperate. He fidgeted with it for a while before he started slamming it against the sink. He felt the blades starting to loosen up. He pulled one out and started slicing his right arm. “Is this helping? Is it?” Changbin shouted, his words muffled in desperate cries. Line after line. Cut after cut. 

No. It’s not helping, so just stop. Binnie, stop. I need your body to be functional for just a little longer.

The voice laughed. Changbin didn’t want to, or even try to- but he still stopped. His movements freezing, like a force pulling at him. “Okay, fine. What do you want me to do?” A menacing laugh filled his head once again. 

Oh, you would like to know, wouldn’t you? Innocent little Binnie. I will tell you when we get closer. Now carry on with your day, breakfast is served. 

Everything stopped. Changbin was suddenly okay. The pain went away. Now he had a badly bleeding arm for no reason. How the hell is he supposed to hide it? He panicked. He ran to his drawer and put on two long sleeved shirts. He returned to the bathroom and wrapped many layers of toilet paper around the cuts, making sure it didn’t look obvious under the sweater. 

The voice was right about one thing though, breakfast is served. Patients flooded into the cafeteria, waltzing around like a flock of lost sheep. Changbin stood in line, following it slowly. Like a slave. Felix was already seated in his usual spot, on the same table, in the same corner. He was calmly munching on his piece of bread. Changbin walked over and sat beside him. “Hello.” Changbin beamed, stretching the ‘o’ at the end. “Hi.” Felix replied, flashing a huge smile.   
Changbin felt at peace again. No voice or iffy feeling lurking at the back of his head. 

“Hey Felix?” “Hmm?” Felix hummed with food still in his mouth. He looked up at Changbin with tired eyes as he chewed his food.   
“I know these aren’t the best conditions to reunite in, or to say this for that matter, but I really love you. I fucking hate you for leaving me like that, but I love you so much that I don’t care about that anymore. You’re here now. We’re here now. We should make the best out of it.”   
Felix smiled a precious half-smile. “That was the cutest little speech ever. I love you too. I hate my parents for making me move away from you too, but I also hate you for not contacting me. That doesn’t matter now. We’re here now, together. Like you said, we should make the best out of it.” Felix grabbed Changbin’s hand under the table and squeezed it.   
The guard who regularly shouts at them saw it, but he decided to ignore it this time. He did feel sorry for them, they seemed like the most normal people in here, among the patients that is. 

Perfect.

Changbin thought he heard the voice, he shrugged it off. The voice is gone now. Never returning. 

Changbin stared at Felix. He may be super happy and Felix may be super happy, but something was off. It was too good to be true. Changbin felt a shiver run down his spine.   
He snapped. He lost control. Changbin started laughing eerily, louder and louder. Was it even Changbin anymore? Changbin reached in the sleeve of his sweater and took out a razorblade he didn’t even realize was hidden there. Felix was sitting beside him, frozen, wide eyed. Changbin looked at him for a quick second. “Goodbye fucker, you ruined my life. Time to ruin yours.” Felix didn’t have time to react.

Changbin stabbed Felix in the throat. Followed by deep cuts. He moved to his face and stabbed his left eye and sliced up his pretty cheeks. “Not so pretty anymore, huh?” Changbin laughed. Felix fell from his chair. Laying almost lifeless on the floor, choking on his own blood. The white tiles underneath him, quickly being covered in a crimson color.   
Changbin stood over the body of Felix, the boy had stopped breathing. 

My work here is over. 

Said the voice and disappeared for the last time. Changbin returned to himself. He froze. It took him a moment before he caught up on what just happened. He started screaming manically. Dropping the razorblade, he fell on his knees, taking Felix’s head and putting it carefully in his lap. He dried the blood he could off Felix’s face. He leaned down, tears blurring his vision. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Felix. It wasn’t me. I’m sorry.” He dragged his fingers through the boys hair. “I thought it left. I thought it was done torturing me. It wasn’t, this was his last straw.” Changbin stopped talking. He was in disbelief, this was not happening. It was just a really fucked up dream and tomorrow he will wake up and Felix will be alive.   
“I love you.” Was the last thing Changbin could say before getting forced off the lifeless body. He kicked and punched after the guards that were dragging him away. He flailed around, hoping to get loose. Not wanting to leave Felix’s side, he wanted to stay with him forever.  
“Just kill me! I don’t want to live anymore! The only thing I stayed alive for is dead. I want to be dead too. Please, I beg you. Just kill me.”


End file.
